A Letter To My Lover

A Letter To My Lover

Dear Lover,

From the moment I met you, you sent chills down my spine. I denied it, didn’t believe it, because surely you’d never be mine.

With a voice that carried and a smile that stole my heart, you rocked my world and took my breath away like a marvelous work of art.

Tall and strong with eyes that twinkle, the devilish smirk of mischief lingers on your face, a hurt, tormented soul with the sweetness of a grape.

I love that you’re not perfect, I love that you live free, I love the way you made me feel you were in love with me.

The clouds have taken the sunny rays and turned them into storms, the bed we once shared now feels that of stone. The portion of my heart you have is broken, ripped and torn.

The words that once brought comfort and tingles to my heart, have turned to daggers that shatters my mind and leaves me in the dark.

Why do you hate me so? How can you not see? This love I have for you, while tainted, is not the enemy.

You do not let me in and you don’t trust me, which I understand because parts of you are a mirror of me. I see bits and pieces of myself in the things that you do. Sometimes it makes me realize who I am, but it increases my love for you.

We hurt for different reasons, we have our different ways, but all I want is the truth without shortening my days. The truth doesn’t have to rip me apart. I don’t know why you want to hurt me and I don’t know why you have, but the blood is flowing freely from my heart to my hands.

One day you love me tenderly, the next you’ll have my head, this moody shift makes me feel like I’m just a muse.

What do you want from me? What do you wish for me to be? Perfection? This I cannot be.

I once thought you loved me for my flaws, yet lately it’s been “be perfect, or be not loved at all”.

I have wronged you in my own way of sorts, but unlike you it was never my intention to chip away at your heart. It’s not my plan to pain you, or annoy you the way I do, but I feel I cannot be me and you want me to mold for you.

I fear the love I have for you and yes, because of my past, but this latest pain, this latest hurt was brought by your own hands.

I do not trust myself to tell what’s false and what is true, the things you’ve said about what we had has made me doubt you. Do you love me? Or is what you feel when you’re upset the truth? These clouds and these storms formed have weighed my heart.

That dagger, your words, still rip at my heart. They tear me apart. They haunt my dreams. They tarnish our time together because I don’t know which words you mean.

I feel as though you hate me because it’s not me you see.

Yes, I think you are more interested in knowing the others, small and trivial things you love to know, but not small trivial things about me, the person you once said you loved.

It’s complicated, it’s true, but I’m not out to hurt you. I feel as though your angered words ring true.

I don’t understand how to speak to you without you feeling as though I’m attacking you. I’m walking on eggshells just to communicate with you.

It shouldn’t be this hard, it shouldn’t be confusing. Can’t we talk and solve our issues without all of the verbal abusing? Yes, I get upset, and yes I get frustrated, but this doesn’t mean either of our sentences should turn to insults and hatred.

I just want to be with someone who can accept and guide me, but lately I have felt myself becoming more like you when we try to talk about things.

We try to fix things, but you twist and turn my words, it angers me when you assume my thoughts and don’t believe my words. Worse, you become angry at your own thoughts and leave me flushed and puzzled. This thing we have, whatever it may be, has left us both wrecked and muddled.

I want things to work for us, but I feel the view you have for me is so far from happiness that I don’t stand a chance. Nothing I do is noticed and nothing I say is the truth to you. I’ve never understood why I was never good enough for you.

I don’t know what to say because I cannot speak the truth because the only thing that’s ever done is pushed me away from you.

This is not all you, it’s been part of me too, but I have never not seen the many things you do. What I do goes unnoticed, no matter what I do. I can never give you enough to make you see the truth.

I love you, and yes these words are true, but you will never see that will you? I’ve never said I hated you, I’ve never insulted our relationship and I’ve never said it was “one-sided”. To me, this is the same as saying I mean nothing to you.

How can I smile? How can I want to see you? The words you speak may seem weak, but they hurt. I hurt. You’ve hurt me. This doesn’t feel like love.

So what is the truth?

Why do you want to hurt me?

Why don’t you want to let me get to know you?

Why don’t you want to get to know me?

Why do you take pleasure in my pain?

Do you truly love me? Or was it all a myth?

I don’t know what your intentions are and I can’t go on like this.

Communication needs to get better on both your side and mine, but these evil words you speak to hurt me have to stop because they explode my mind.

You can’t keep accusing me of thinking things I’m not, or telling me what I’m doing when, again, I’m not. You’re wrong about so many things about me, but never bother to listen when I tell you who I am.

You don’t want to know, you don’t want to see, but if you really loved me you’d care to know these things.

Of course I shut down, of course I withdraw, the things I’ve told you have been used against me. I’ve been treated the way you don’t want to be treated.

I’m angry, I’m hurt but none of that matters because you expect me to smile and take all of the bad words lightly. I don’t because I don’t know what is real.

It seems you don’t care and want my skin to peel. Maybe I’m wrong, but should I even bother? To ask you for the truth because I’ll never get it, thanks to your father.

I doubt you, yes.

I’m insecure, yes.

I think you would rather have someone “better”, yes.

But what I don’t do is look at our relationship as one-sided, I don’t judge you for every little thing you say or do the way you are doing me. The way you think I do you.

There are certain things that confuse me and that I take the wrong way, yes. But this? Every little thing I say or how my face looks to you is wrong, it’s attacking you, it’s judging you, that’s what you think when it’s not even true and when I’m honest and try to clarify you won’t hear it because you believe what you want to believe.

You see what you want to see and you don’t see me!!!

You can’t be honest with me because you always feel you have to fight. You want me to view you as perfect but I don’t and I never will but that’s part of the reason I love you.

You’re NOT perfect and neither am I. We both have our secrets and yes, we both lie, but this has to stop, the lies have to end. You need to trust me and I you and we have to let each other in.

You forget the things I’ve said and forget the reasons why, yet remember random things about some “nobody” passerby.

Why am I not important?

Why do you not care?

Your frustration shouldn’t be a way to tear me apart. It shouldn’t be the reason you take what remains of my heart.

This isn’t fair to me, and I want to trust you too, but I don’t see how I can when you do the things that you do.

Let’s fix it and not argue and discuss things like adults. I’ll give us one more shot, but your anger towards me is something you’ve got to give up.

I’m not your enemy, and I’m not the whores of your past, this relationship seems to mean nothing to you, but you claim you want it to last.

Prove it by not ripping me apart with your words. PROVE IT, by not assuming things about me, PROVE IT by jumping with me and letting go, PROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T THE HELL YOU’VE MADE IT SEEM TO BE!!!!

Prove to me you’re the sweet guy that needs his morning coffee instead of the demon with 12 heads that lashes out just because it THINKS I’m out to get him.

Give me a reason to trust you, because your words alone do not, give me a reason to trust you and I’ll drop the veil on the spot. Give me a reason to believe your evil words weren’t true, and give me a reason to believe I’ll be safe emotionally with you.

At this moment, I’m not. I’m in your line of sight. You point and aim and shoot me down and laugh as I fall to the ground and curl around my pain.

You make it clear you’re happy without me and my absence doesn’t matter, it makes things worse because it seems to me you could care less about me, about us, about our future.

Just when I think things are fine, our demons seem to find us. They push us around and shove us down and in the darkness bind us.

Why can’t we open our eyes why can’t either of us see? Why can’t we learn to understand what makes you you and me me?

Why must we get upset and angry or yell, this love is not love it’s not happiness, it’s Hell.

I’m dealing with the Devil and I’m lost at sea, why can’t things get better? Why can’t you talk to me?

Without the fighting without the judgement and without the cruel words. Words may not mean much to you but to me they burn and they hurt.

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