Shalaria of Batches Of Beauty

How My Confidence Was Shattered

My confidence was shattered and even though I know I have to admit this to myself in order to get better, I find myself feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I have somehow allowed myself to be affected this way.

Long story short, I have dated too many assholes. They spoke down to me and bullied me until I began to believe them. By the time I escaped, I’d begun talking to myself the same way I was once spoken to.

“You’re fat, ugly and stupid. Why do I waste my time with you. You’re not even worth it”.

After years of dating liars, cheaters and verball assailants, I was unknowingly broken.  It was a strange feeling because when I was single I didn’t feel I had to compete. I felt content and like not much had changed.

Once I found myself in a relationship again, that’s when I noticed the negative changes. I was no longer able to be happy in any relationship. I was insecure and extremely jealous for no reason. I even began looking for reasons to be angry at my partner.

It wasn’t something I was able to help. It got worse and worse the longer I stayed with someone. Not only was I angry at my partner, I was angry at myself for being the way I am.

The worst part about it was that I couldn’t figure out when I’d transformed into this hideous person. Someone could have the best intentions, yet I would push them away so they would walk away.

Once they walked away I would tell myself that I was justified and that they never loved me anyway because if they had they would have stayed. Deep down I knew this wasn’t true. I would have pushed harder had they stayed. I just didn’t feel I deserved to be loved.

I’m not much better right now. I am just now truly pinpointing where my pain originates and I am just now becoming completely honest with myself about my internal pain and flaws.

For me to truly heal I know I need to dig and find the birth place of my shattered soul. I know what comes next is anger for me. I can only hope that while I make my way through this phase of healing that I won’t lose those closest to me.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be the person I used to tell myself I would never become anymore. I am that person right now, but I know I have to make the old me stronger again so I can become the person I was before my confidence was shattered.

It will be a long journey, but it’s one I need to take in order to find the confident, happy person I used to be. I don’t want to be angry, jealous or push people away anymore.

What’s odd is that I only feel this way in romantic relationships. People always ask me why I seem so happy if I feel so miserable and I have to respond with the truth and tell them, “I seem happy because outside of romantic relationships I don’t feel pressured to compete and I don’t feel I’m being compared to everyone else”.

They usually nod and seem to understand my dilemma. Only time and effort will tell whether or not I can conquer this demon.


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1 Comment

  • The Ed April 26, 2017 at 6:57 PM

    Thing is, unlike so many you are intelligent and self querying and have already worked out the reasons for your issues. So many don’t and just keep repeating their mistakes, moaning to anyone who will listen and repeating it again.

    It seems that I know of a few people who keep attracting the same type of people and getting the same end results they don’t want. That might be something to consider i.e hanging only with people who consistently make you feel amazing.

    Reply
    • Shalaria LeNoir April 26, 2017 at 7:26 PM

      That’s a really good idea. It’s definitely time for me to “edit” the people I’m around.

      Things have gotten better since I wrote this post. It’s been a combination of me indulging in my hobbies as well as avoiding the bad apples that bring me down.

      Reply

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