My Demons:Why I Push Love Away

My Demons: Why I Push Love Away

This is a constant battle for me. I push romantic love away. I suppose it all started when I was a child and saw my mother eat away her stress after being married to my father for 17 years.

This is no excuse to act the way I do, but I suppose it’s the fear that I will one day end up the way she once was. In a loveless marriage with a man who couldn’t give two shits about how his actions affected her.

He ate away at the person she once was. I vowed I would never be that way. Without realizing it, with that vow I’d  become a love less soul and because of that I’d become someone who was happier alone than with someone. Not because I liked being without a partner, but because I knew that as long as I was alone I would never be hurt.

In walks Prince Charming. Flawed in his own ways yet willing to jump at the chance of finding love. Little did I know he wanted to be with me. Why is something I will probably never understand, but there he was.

Months go by and the more I start to fall for this man the more the panic and fear of becoming my mother starts to kick in. So I pushed him away. Yet he stayed. He said he loved me and that while he didn’t know how to help me he would wait for me.

I pushed him away again. Even if he were to ride in on his white horse again, in my mind I knew it wouldn’t be the same as it was in the beginning because he’d seen my flaws. He knew that I am incapable of accepting love. Who can love someone who fears love and rejects it?

I cried myself to sleep wishing I could be different. Wishing I could be like so many others who put their all into a relationship instead of draining It of all the good. Wishing is a waste of time, I get it, yet I still blow out the candles. I cried not only for the love I’d felt I’d lost, but also the sinking feeling I had. The feeling of confidence was non-existent and I cried because I realized that somewhere down the road, my confidence was shattered, and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how to fix myself.

My fear of more pain, not just from my mother’s past but also my own, has caused me to over time turn into a yo-yo emotionally. I continue to stay torn between accepting love and being alone to avoid the risk of pain. Love is a risk I am not sure I am willing to take right now.

At the same time I fear that when I am ready there won’t be anyone there to offer what I once could not accept; that’s painful in itself.

This world I live in inside my head eats away at my heart. It eats away at what little good is left of me and I feel the darkest part of my soul coming to life. Leaving the Prince that once loved  me drained and aching from their journey with me.

I imagine him retreating. Riding away from me on his horse to a land of something bright and beautiful. A land more accepting of the love he carries with him. I see him riding far away from the land of this tortured soul.

In this land, the sun rarely shines and the clouds are black. The queen that once wore gold and smiled and sparkled that lured suitors from faraway worlds now dresses in the darkest shades of her heart. Her smile is replaced by tears and sorrow. She hides in the shadows, wishing yet fearing that someone would help her jump, take the risk on love that she desires yet dreads.

There is no heart torn like mine. I cannot keep living this way. Yet I have no one I can turn to without being judged or ridiculed for feeling the way I do. People make it seem so simple.

“Just stop being this way!”, they yell. It’s not that easy for me. I wish it was. I wish I could jump head first into the flowing waters of love like everyone else. I get that it’s easy for YOU. However, for some of us it’s a battle.

For some of us we need more than to be yelled at and judged because it just makes us push harder.

I’m looking for a perfect man. I just want someone who will be there when I need them the most. I want someone that won’t hurt me and rip my heart out even when I trust him enough to hand him a blade.

I want someone who isn’t going to betray me for the next best thing. I want someone who knows me and wants to know me both good and bad. I want someone who isn’t going to put me down for being the way I am and who encourages me to be a better person than I am now.

I want someone who will bring out the best in me and not send me spiraling into an even deeper depression than what I already am. I want someone who will help me free myself from the demons that haunt my soul, my heart, my mind.

I just want to be free.

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